Insanely Golden

Insanely Golden

Kids! Dudes! Ladies and Germs! I have been so bad about writing this blog. You know why? Because I’ve been living my life! Sober, happy, golden. La vida es muy bueno. Biggest problem today? My earbuds hurt my ears. #firstworldproblems

So, let’s catch up. My last post I wrote from my tiny, little basement room in an Oxford House* in Portland. The night I moved in, I cried. I cried because my room was so shabby and small. And it made me realize that my drug abuse had led me to smaller and smaller spaces, both physically and emotionally. I went from living in a three-story house with the man I love and had loved for years to a small, yet still beautiful apartment to the basement of kinda run-down house in NE Portland. And guess what? I love this house!

When I moved in, I was anxious I wouldn’t fit in or be accepted. I didn’t know the other women. I didn’t know the boyfriend of one of the women. I hadn’t lived with strangers since dorm life. (And, well, jail.) And, at first, I stayed in my room a lot, listening to others talk, live life and laugh. I wanted them to be quiet and let me be miserable, Goddamn it. But one sunny day, a housemate asked what I was doing which was walking to a thrift store. (‘Cuz I’ve been spray painting shit gold for years.) She invited herself and her two kids along and we had a great time. The next weekend I helped the kids build a fort. She invited me to eat with them. And it’s been a ball ever since.

I got out of myself and my own discomfort. I made friends. I dealt with weird behavior from a housemate that we had to evict. We had another housemate whom we’re convinced was using from the beginning but she moved after only month. We had someone relapse out which means immediate eviction. I watched a much-loved housemate face a crisis, deal with it and move out with all four of her kids. Beautiful. I changed rooms to an upstairs room with the biggest window across the wall where every morning I get to feel the breeze and hear the chickens next door. (Because, after all, this is Portland.) My room is the prettiest room in the house and I am unwilling to give it up.

I get to spend time with people I love. My oldest brother is still a bit distant but I can only do what I can do. I have developed a truly wonderful friendship with my second cousin whom I didn’t get to know until recently. I adore her and her family. I see my niece and her two moms and get invited to stuff and laugh! Imagine that. Yesterday, I had lunch with my mom, cousin and her two kids and two nieces and my nephew. And I’ll remember it forever.

And then there’s Hattie. My housemate, who makes me laugh all day long. We cut roses together. We, literally, tell each other all the time how awesome we are. Because we’re doing this life thing without chemicals. Trying, every day, to live it with honesty and integrity. To learn and grow and not react emotionally. I got to crawl in bed with her yesterday morning and watch (the worst!) bad TV in a gorgeous antique bed with the most beautiful, high thread-count sheets that were clean and crisp and pink and flowery. We honestly laid there marveling at how much our lives have changed.

The beauty of living in this house is the responsibility I feel to my house, to my housemates and friends, to Hattie’s children, to my family, to myself. I know I’ve been happy in my life but it feels like this is the happiest ever. Not to say it’s all peaches and cream; I was ready to stab someone when the temperatures hit 90° and stayed there. (I’ve got a very narrow comfort zone.)And Hattie actually left before my arrival the other day as she knew I would be hangry when I got home. (But she left me a cup of tea and a protein shake!) I messed up and missed a drug test at my treatment center. If that’s the worst thing that happens to me, I can deal. Because it’s still better than where I’ve been.

 

And, for all the people who care and support me, the most beautiful song in the world:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRuYQ9KRJms

*Further info on Oxford House:

http://www.oxfordhouse.org/userfiles/file/