It’s been such a great, safe
time with my parents. I had worked overtime on trying to stay in Portland , mainly to not inconvenience my parents too much
as I have to back and forth to Portland
but for some selfish ones as well. I was scared to ride home from Portland to The
Dalles alone with my dad without the buffer of my mom,
mainly because I was afraid of his anger. Turns out we’ve actually had a lot of
fun and laughter along with open conversation. But one cruel offhand remark
from my dad has put me in a tailspin of excruciating pain. And that doesn’t
even come close to describing it. (And that was just the first comment; there
have been many more, some crueler still.)
The trouble with early sobriety
is you’re sober. So you have to feel things without the masking effects of
drugs or alcohol. And then you have to deal with all the wreckage you’ve made
of your life. That can include any number of things: legal, personal, familial,
financial. You seriously want to either hide for the next six months or grab
something to alter your mind. But you can’t. Because each time you use is
worse, the lowers lower than imaginable. The AA Big Book describes it as
“incomprehensible demoralization” and that is accurate.
So what did I do? I cried for
about forty minutes, filled the trash can with tissue. Then I did a couple of
things differently. First, I called someone I had just met the night before
from a Twelve-Step program and asked her to meet to talk with me. (Uncomfortable!)
I told my mom I needed to go out. When she asked why I was so upset, I told her
it didn’t matter, mainly so she wouldn’t feel badly. (Okay, so I’m codependent
as well.) But then a light bulb went off in my brain-damaged little head. It
really doesn’t matter why I’m upset or why I’m feeling something unpleasant.
What matters is how I handle it and what I do with it. This world is going to
upset me and make me feel unpleasant, perhaps every day for awhile. Deal with
it like a normal, healthy person does. This means without the masking effects
of drugs. Wow, insight.
This doesn’t mean it’s easy.
My contentious history with my dad goes back many, many years. At this point, I
can’t see it changing. All I can do is adjust how I react to him and to others
in this world. Maybe I used to know this but somehow forgot it over the years.
For now, it’s foremost in my mind.
Again, comments encouraged.
They mean so much to me. I have received awesome support. I would also
encourage everyone to watch “Anonymous People” which inspired me to share these
difficult things with all those I love. I am working on the post to try and
describe some of the women I met while going through this process but it’s so
hard to capture their humor and raw humanness. They saved my life, emotionally,
many, many times. I want the description to truly suit them and their unique character.
Thank you all for reading these emotionally exposing posts.