You're Covered in Ruins

How much pain can one person feel? And I don’t write this for your pity as I fully realize I’ve put myself in this position. But when one literally cannot see through their own tears, there has to be a stopping point, yes? Of course, perhaps, I shouldn’t be listening to sad music on repeat.

It’s been such a great, safe time with my parents. I had worked overtime on trying to stay in Portland, mainly to not inconvenience my parents too much as I have to back and forth to Portland but for some selfish ones as well. I was scared to ride home from Portland to The Dalles alone with my dad without the buffer of my mom, mainly because I was afraid of his anger. Turns out we’ve actually had a lot of fun and laughter along with open conversation. But one cruel offhand remark from my dad has put me in a tailspin of excruciating pain. And that doesn’t even come close to describing it. (And that was just the first comment; there have been many more, some crueler still.)

The trouble with early sobriety is you’re sober. So you have to feel things without the masking effects of drugs or alcohol. And then you have to deal with all the wreckage you’ve made of your life. That can include any number of things: legal, personal, familial, financial. You seriously want to either hide for the next six months or grab something to alter your mind. But you can’t. Because each time you use is worse, the lowers lower than imaginable. The AA Big Book describes it as “incomprehensible demoralization” and that is accurate.

So what did I do? I cried for about forty minutes, filled the trash can with tissue. Then I did a couple of things differently. First, I called someone I had just met the night before from a Twelve-Step program and asked her to meet to talk with me. (Uncomfortable!) I told my mom I needed to go out. When she asked why I was so upset, I told her it didn’t matter, mainly so she wouldn’t feel badly. (Okay, so I’m codependent as well.) But then a light bulb went off in my brain-damaged little head. It really doesn’t matter why I’m upset or why I’m feeling something unpleasant. What matters is how I handle it and what I do with it. This world is going to upset me and make me feel unpleasant, perhaps every day for awhile. Deal with it like a normal, healthy person does. This means without the masking effects of drugs. Wow, insight.

This doesn’t mean it’s easy. My contentious history with my dad goes back many, many years. At this point, I can’t see it changing. All I can do is adjust how I react to him and to others in this world. Maybe I used to know this but somehow forgot it over the years. For now, it’s foremost in my mind.

Again, comments encouraged. They mean so much to me. I have received awesome support. I would also encourage everyone to watch “Anonymous People” which inspired me to share these difficult things with all those I love. I am working on the post to try and describe some of the women I met while going through this process but it’s so hard to capture their humor and raw humanness. They saved my life, emotionally, many, many times. I want the description to truly suit them and their unique character. Thank you all for reading these emotionally exposing posts.