The Beginning of the End

I wish I could explain addiction to people who don’t understand it. It’s not a simple matter of willpower or just saying no. It is a disease that causes damage to your brain. Your brain actually needs to heal once you’ve stopped using. And I’ve seen many people heal but I’m not yet one of them.

I first began abusing prescription drugs perhaps fifteen or twenty years ago. I had never done many drugs at all. I was prescribed Vicodin for stubborn migraine headaches and used it responsibly for months. . It had never occurred to me to take meds when I didn’t have a headache until my friend suggested it. That friend and his partner were both sick with AIDS and the partner happened to be a pharmacist. They had access to all kinds of drugs and the pharmacist would refill my prescription any time I ran out. That’s when it started. I also worked for doctors and knew how to call in prescriptions which I did once my friends started to get worried. That led to legal trouble, successfully completing Drug Court and doing really well for a while.

When I went to a new doctor, I informed her I had been addicted to Vicodin, which she put in my chart. The next time I used pain meds was for a cracked rib and I did just fine. Then, I was in a car accident. It wasn’t horrible but I my leg was pretty bunged up. Again, I did fine, taking the meds responsibly. But then my leg failed to heal and developed an infection that wouldn’t respond to antibiotics. My lower right leg swelled so much and so quickly, the skin was peeling off. I went on several different antibiotics, went to a surgeon, who, surprisingly, wanted to do surgery and finally a dermatologist. At the worst, my husband had to perform debridement which meant cleaning it out by packing cloth tape into the wound and pulling it back out to remove the infected cells. This was really painful. I would wake up an hour beforehand and take a Vicodin just to prepare for the debridement. It took a couple months to finally heal and during that time, my doctor was prescribing Vicodin for the pain. She had forgotten by then I was an addict and the chart note was way in the back. Of course, I didn’t remind her as I was too deeply into it. By the end of a couple of months, I was back to calling in prescriptions and, again, legal trouble.

This pattern went on for years. Get clean, something would happen and I would use again. This disease has cost me jobs, my self-respect, my reputation, my lovely husband, (who has eight years of sobriety), the love of my family and so much more. I’ve embarrassed my family horribly. Do non-addicts really think we addicts choose this way of life? That, if we had a choice, this is what it would be? (And I’m not trying to avoid personal responsibility; there’s just so much more to it than that.)

The last year has been the lowest point of my life. I’ve spent five months in jail. You would think that would stop me. I started thinking my life was over, I was going to prison. So I got a serious case of the “fuck its” and used again. This cost me two of my beloved brothers and my father, none of whom are speaking to me.

And it happened so quickly. I saw it all happening and couldn’t stop it. Once the idea of using is in my mind, it is an obsession that will not stop. There are ways to stop it but my brain, which is damaged, doesn’t always have the strength or wisdom to do it. I’ve tried to explain it like this: I cannot trust my inner voice, the voice I hear all day, everyday. It tells me things like, “just one more time won’t hurt” or “no one will ever know”. And I believe those things because it’s me telling me those things. It’s mystifying once I gain some clarity. Why would I ever believe those things?

In these postings, I hope to share with others what it is like to be an addict, how I think and how everything has unfolded for me. I hope to be as honest and open as possible. I hope the reader will gain perspective and insight on what drives a person like me. I welcome all comments and questions. I hope if you have a friend or loved one who has this disease, something I write may help your understanding of addiction.